I had a rough day yesterday… my daughter was hurting and it was the culmination of the month of October… it’s just not a good month for us. When I say I was angry, I was angry. Angry at past people who hurt us, angry at God, angry that my daughter suffers from certain things… angry. I think I used the words “foul mood” and “pissed off” in a few conversations. Not to mention what was going on in my head.
I was praying on the way home and my best friend encouraged me to drop my punkin off at home and keep driving and keep praying and keep pouring it out.
So I did.
And it wasn’t pretty. Part of me wondered if I was crossing some line I shouldn’t cross. I was fully honest and hurt and angry and vulnerable in my prayers. I told my friend today, “You told me to go pray and THIS is what He got…” She laughed.
And then she said something so profound that it’s been sticking with me since our conversation. It’s hard to shake… in a good way. I was worried that I had crossed a line with God. I also told her that on the outside I don’t feel like I’m a super emotional roller coaster type of person but in my prayers, I sure am. I can fly high one day, praising and thanking God for the work He’s doing in my life and my daughter’s life (see the previous post, for example!) and then two days later, I’m yelling at Him in frustration and anger and pain. The pendulum swings high and vast.
She looked at me thoughtfully. “I have a couple of thoughts,” she said. “The first one, the biggest one… is that you must feel so safe with God. You could only be that truthful and that outspoken with God if you really trusted Him. If you knew He wouldn’t judge your or leave you or use any of that against you. God must really be your safe place.”
I had never thought of it like that.
I’m pretty quiet with what is going on with me… when I’m in it. Once I’m out, I’m willing to share but when I’m in the midst of it… I tend not to show it. I hold it in and keep putting one foot in front of the other… except with God.
God really does get the brunt of it, the best of it, the worst of it. And my friend is right… I am totally, 100% safe with God. He will never punish me for being honest with Him… He knows what I’m thinking anyway. He hears me. He listens. When I pray for peace, he answers. When I yell and scream and complain… He just says “I’m here. Go ahead.”
It’s a safe place. Nothing bad is ever going to come of me talking to my Father in heaven. Nothing. No matter what I say, He is there for me. He wants to help me. He sees every tear and hears every cry and they matter to Him.
I don’t always get the answer I want. I don’t always get an answer at all. But I always recieve peace. Healing. Rest. Help.
I once realized that bad things were going to happen no matter what. We live in a fallen world. Bad things are going to happen. Whether I lean on God… or reject God. Whether I love God… or deny Him. Either way, bad things are going to happen and I’d much rather go through it with Him than without Him.
So, yes. God is my safe place. I can tell Him anything. And when I do… I feel better. That sounds so simplistic… but imagine you were so angry you just had to hit something. So you start punching the pillows on your bed, or slamming your fists on your bed, or maybe you have a punching bag and you just go at it. When you’re finished, there’s this release. You may not have solved anything yet, but you did get your frustration out.
That was how I felt at the end of my prayer drive last night. I didn’t know the answers or solutions. I don’t know if next October is going to be any better than this one… but there was a release. A release to the One who does know all the answers. I was able to walk back in the house calm and with patience and compassion.
God is good, my friends, and you can tell Him anything and at any time and in any way.
These verses are good enough to read twice, so I’m posting the picture again below!