But how?

In the last few weeks, I’ve seen deliverance and experienced deliverance for myself. I have a new found belief in the power of the Holy Spirit and what God has called us to do here on Earth. I’ve tasted it and I want more. I want to be a vessel of everything that God has for me here on Earth, a vessel that the Holy Spirit pours through and out onto others.

I want to speak in tongues – a heavenly language for edification. I want to be able to pray and see people healed through the power of Jesus. I want to be able to call out demons by the blood of Jesus Christ and see people set free.

Just look at these verses! This is what is meant for us!

¹⁵ He said to them, “Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation. ¹⁶ Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. ¹⁷ And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; ¹⁸ they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well.”

Mark 16:15-18

“Those who believe!” That’s me. And possibly you. And so many others. It’s right there in the great commission – cast out demons, speak in new tongues, heal the sick….

But, How.

I went on vacation with my village, my chosen family. On the first day, one of the kiddos got sick – fever and miserable. I stood by the river and prayed over everyone in our village for safety, that no one else would get sick, a hedge of protection around us. That throughout the week every single person would encounter God in a new way. That we would see God face to face that week and our faith would grow.

A couple of days later the littlest one got sick, and then the day after that I got sick. That was 9 days ago. I am now on antibiotics with double ear infections and just sick. Yucky, no energy, miserable sick. I’ve prayed for healing over myself! I spoke the words aloud, called power from heaven down to my minor sickness here on Earth, and prayed for Holy Spirit Power to fill me and cleanse me and heal me. My friends and daughter have prayed. And I’m still sick.

How am I ever going to be able to pray over others, that Holy Spirit would heal them, when it doesn’t even work on myself?

My daughter has stomach problems. They started when she was an infant and have been compounded by many things in her young life. I’ve prayed over her that whatever tormenting spirits of fear and illness will come out. She has renounced things, we’ve prayed together. A few times. Then my best friend and I prayed over her together, hard core prayer, calling fear and illness off of her and whatever else Holy Spirit brought to us to pray over.

Still, there is no difference. She’s been in pain for over a week now.

Again, how can I pray over others when I can’t even do it right over my own daughter?

And the gift of tongues? I’ve prayed for that for months now. It’s a gift to edify and speak God’s will directly to the Father. The bible says clearly, ask and you will receive, seek and you will find, knock and the door will open – specifically talking about the Holy Spirit coming upon you.

The bible says God is ready and willing and wants to give us these gifts. He wants to use us to help others.

I am willing! I believe! And I want and I’m asking!

Where is the answer?

What am I doing wrong?

I’ve surrendered everything I can think to surrender. I have renounced what Holy Spirit has brought to me to renounce. I have a new hunger for the things of God and to learn more.

Yet, I sit here this morning, so defeated. I put on Michael W. Smith’s song Surrounded. I felt prompted to write. So I have written. And I will post this. Hesitantly. Because it’s not encouraging. It’s not uplifting. It’s sad and questioning and confused.

But that is where I am at this morning.

And maybe one day, I’ll be able to look back at this and understand.

But for now, I don’t. I’m sad I missed half of the vacation being sick. I’m sad that I’m at home still sick over summer vacation. I’m sad that my prayers don’t seem to work, that God doesn’t seem to be listening to me. I’m struggling with whether God wants to use me or if He has other, better candidates. I’m questioning why He didn’t step in with his amazing power and heal me already, why He hasn’t or didn’t use us to call off tormenting spirits from my daughter.

I want to be healthy, full of faith that over flows, and used by Jesus to reach others and to help others.

But, how?