In my weakness…

My daughter is having to face some hard things this month. Celiac disease and giving up gluten 100%.

A dairy allergy forcing her to give up dairy 100%.

And as of her well visit yesterday, she may have scoliosis.

In fact, her pediatrician said she does have scoliosis – a slight curve in her spine. We were sent for xrays to determine the curvature and create a baseline to watch as she grows.

The doctor didn’t mention any limitations but as I did my own research I found that gymnastics and trampoline would cause scoliosis to worsen and progress at a much faster rate.

I cried.

“God, would you ask her to give up her sport, too? The sport that she loves and is so passionate about? Along with everything else?” The tears fell. Running down my cheeks and landing on the open bible study book in front of me.

I was reading about Abraham and how God and two angels came to visit him one day. As they were leaving, God told Abraham that he was planning on destroying two cities because of the evil and wickedness in them. Abraham was so bold – he basically blocked God’s way and said “Wait a minute. What if there are righteous people in those cities? Would you destroy even them? Aren’t you a just God? Won’t you do what is right?”

In my mind, I’m a little like Hold up there, brother, this is GOD you’re talking to!!! Did you really just challenge God and question whether he was going to do the right thing?

Oh, yes he did.

And God was so gracious and patient. He said, Yes. Yes I will save it for the righteous ones that are in the city. It goes back and forth with Abraham saying for 50 righteous people? for 45? for 30? for 20? How about just 10??

And every time, God is patient and kind and says… Yes.

It’s a pretty cool example of how raw and honest God will allow us to be with Him. How God will allow us, even welcome us, to question Him. To ask Him, to cry out to Him.

He allows me to cry out “Why my daughter, God? Why this? Why more?”

He doesn’t always answer. I know that God is good. I know that God has a bigger picture. I know that God can take every evil or bad thing that happens to us and make good come from it. I’ve seen it and lived it.

But.. not this God. Right? Not gymnastics. Not on top of everything else?

As you can see, I’m so torn. Torn is not the right word. I’m feeling both at the same time. I both know that God is good and feel very sad over what is happening. I feel weak today and heavy. I don’t want my daughter to have to face one more thing, I really don’t.

My best friend said that we will not partner with the doctor’s prognosis. We will wait for the xrays and we will pray that they show no signs of scoliosis.

And that is my prayer. No signs of scoliosis. Can I be really honest with you? I don’t think He’s going to answer it.

There, I put it out there. It’s not like He doesn’t know I’m thinking it. But I’ll put it out there for you. Why don’t I think he will? I’m not sure. My faith is feeling weak today and during my prayer group this morning I asked my friends to add their faith to mine, because I needed it. I saw a friend outside of gymnastics and asked her to pray, too.

Abraham was so bold, he blocked God’s path and was like Hold Up, Now. You gotta do what is right.

And then there’s me… today, anyway.

Some days I’m bold but today the very best I can muster up is this, “God, in my weakness, You are strong.”

I’ve prayed for faith today. I’ve prayed to be strengthened in my faith. And I’ve prayed that God will be strong in my weakness. It’s another moment where it’s all on Him.

I guess you could say that it’s OK to be bold and question God like Abraham. It’s OK to be sad and cry out to God. It’s totally OK to be weak and ask God to step in and be strong. The fact that I feel weak today and am calling on God’s strength does not negate the fact that other days I am bold and stand strong for Him.

This is who I am… and you can probably relate. We can’t always be strong and neither will we always feel so weak. Walking with Jesus is going to have both kinds of days and all kinds of days in between.

If you are feeling strong today, Preach! Amen! Get it!

And if you are feeling weak, call on God to be your strength.

Either way, you’re OK. You’re worthy and loved in God’s eyes, just as you are today. Happy Wednesday, Friends.

12 Comments on “In my weakness…

  1. I can feel the agony in your mama heart. I am praying for God to give you strength and the proper attitude no matter what the prognosis. I also pray for your sweet girl to lose her “taste” for gluten & dairy so the changes in her diet are easier for her. πŸ™πŸ™πŸ™πŸ™πŸ™

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    • Thank you so much! We are really trying to focus on all the great things we CAN have and she’s doing an amazing job. I am so proud of her. Thank you for joining me in praying for her!

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  2. Oh, mama, this is one rough road! I will stand with you in faith and in prayer. And I will tell you, in faith… yes, He will answer. He WILL answer. Our (human) trouble is that we sometimes think the only answer is the one we thought of, right? But sometimes His answer is β€œWait.” Sometimes it’s β€œNot this, but that.” And then, my friend, there are those times~ you know the ones~ when God says β€œStep back. This is going to be AMAZING!”
    I am going to be standing with you as you wait on Him. He is here, He is listening, and He is continuing to provide every good thing that sweet girl can need or imagine.

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    • Your standing with me in faith and prayer means so much!! Thank you! I know He provides. I know God is good. I’ll hold onto those truths!

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  3. Oh my beautiful, beautiful bestie! What an eloquent, raw, authentic, straight from the heart post. You are both completely honest about your struggle yet encouraging others at the same time. This faith life is knock down messy sometimes and we can be real with the Lord. He is faithful and can handle our feelings (ALL of them!) You are so brave and you are going to see the victory in this too. I love you!!!

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    • I love you, too! I will never be accused of having it all down pat. πŸ˜‚ But that’s the point. None of us do! It’s ok though and I WANT to show that side.

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    • We knew about the dairy allergy before and had switched over everything but cheese, thinking cheese didn’t really bother her belly. It’s become apparent since quitting gluten that cheese really does affect her so.. dairy free it is. Bring on the vegan cheese trials! πŸ˜‚ We love almond milk too!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Pingback: Amen! – Mom Strong Life

  5. Wow. I love your sincerity. And love that you are choosing faith even when it all doesn’t add up.
    I pray that He will show up for you and your daughter in mighty ways than you least expect Him to. ❀
    My regards to her too.
    Keep the faith. God isn’t done with her yet. He is still good and faithful.

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    • God has shown up again and again and again. I am so thankful!!! Thank YOU for your prayers! I am blessed!

      Like

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