I made a decision to throw my worries and anxieties on God.
Then a friend told me about a bible study she was doing called The Quest by Beth Moore. It’s about going on a quest to grow closer to God through the questions God asks us and by challenging us to question God.
I ordered the book and began.
Some background information first, though.
I grew up in a conservative church. I know, or at least knew, more bible verses than most people. I know the stories, the lessons, the rules, the… well… most of what you hear in church. I was also hurt by some people in the church during a very traumatic time of life and since then haven’t gone to church. In fact, I have panic attacks walking into church.
That doesn’t mean I don’t still have a relationship with God. He has always been with me, always helping me, and I love Him. I just decided I was more spiritual than religious.
Things are changing.
God is reaching out to me in new ways.
Well, perhaps not new ways. Perhaps I am responding in new ways to my God who has always been reaching out to me.
The Quest involves bible study and as I am reading verses from the bible, they are jumping out at me as fresh and exciting and new. Verses I know, have memorized, have read dozens of times before… are new now. And I love hearing them!
Here’s the thing… these two events – 1. Throwing my anxieties on God and 2. Beginning the Quest – are converging onto a main source of angst in my life. An enemy that I need to overcome. They both have pointed me towards one big thing that needs to change.
And it’s this: I need to give God control over the things in my life.
See, the quest asked me to open up and come up with some deep belief systems and two of mine came down to these:
The only way to be safe is to be in control and I have to achieve more (accomplish that to-do list of should haves and need-tos) in order to be good enough.
Neither of these is from God. God says if we go to Him, he will give us rest! He will allow us, teach us to live lightly, freely! Listen to the beauty of these verses from Matthew:
Is that not the most calming, beautiful thing you’ve ever heard? He will not put anything heavy or ill-fitting on us. We can learn to live freely and lightly… unforced rhythm… real rest.
The only way to find this is in Him.
My own way has failed me for years. Over and over and over again I have created my list of ways that I was going to better myself. Eat healthy. Move more. Blog. Sunshine. Drink lots of water. Counseling. Read books. Listen to audible. Vitamins. Shakes. Positive quotes. I ams. Affirmations.
And there is not one thing wrong with any of those! They are really good things! But the problem is my attitude of control. I have to be in control. I will make a list of good habits. I will do them all. I will win. I will achieve. I will then be worthy. I can do it.
But I can’t. Time and time again, I’ve proved that I can’t. Not on my own. Not this way, not through to do lists and promises and resolutions and my own will power.
It’s ends in agony and defeat and shame and worthlessness each time.
So now there’s this new plan to let go of the control. My one and only focus is going to be to grow closer to God. To give him my worries, my anxieties, and my big ol’ to do list. To let go of hyper-control Christy and let God have the control and see where He takes me.
And you know what else God says? I am worthy and loved without that list. Without the list and without achieving anything on that list. I am loved and worthy just as I am. I do NOT have to achieve more to be good enough. To be loved or valued.
Do I believe that? No, not yet. But I’m trusting God to change that in me too. Because I think that will be a huge turning point as well.
So that’s where I am at, friends.
It’s scary and exciting and calming all at once.
Where are you? Do you have things you are holding tight control over that you need to turn over to God? Are you holding onto beliefs that in order to be loved you must achieve or do or perform?
God loves you just as you are and He is reaching out to you, just as He is reaching out to me. He wants a relationship with you. He wants to help you walk lightly and freely through life.
I don’t have all the answers, I am simply sharing my journey, but please reach out if you have questions. To me, to a friend, to our facebook group. We are in this together. You are not alone.
Happy Tuesday, friends.