In my last blog post, here, I wrote about how I felt challenged to throw, literally throw all my anxieties, worries, and cares onto God and let Him handle them. And I said I would keep you posted. It’s been a few days, and here’s how it’s going.
I did share in the last post how as I started, I didn’t really feel much of anything. It felt like I was going through the motions, “saying” the right words, doing the right thing but that was it. It didn’t really feel any different. But also that I was going to give it some time, it’s taken me almost 40 years to build to the level of anxiety I currently live with, you know?
And God promises to take our burdens from us and that what we are meant to carry is light and we can count on God to keep His promises so I kept on.
I felt good on Sunday after sharing my plan with you all and I kept on praying and throwing those worries onto God. No more to-do list, no more I HAVE to do this and I SHOULD do that. Whenever I feel the should-haves and need-tos that carry guilt, I throw it to God. I am not meant to live in guilt.
That’s not to say I’m not doing my jobs. I am still working. I’m still taking care of my daughter. It’s the should-haves and need-tos that make me feel bad and guilty that I’m throwing to God. I should eat a salad. I need to work out. I need to read more. I’m not taking enough steps. I’m not drinking enough water. Did I do enough today? Did I message enough parents? I need to come through this quarantine a new and better person…
That never ending roll of shame driven talk that what I’ve done is not enough for the day. All of THAT stuff – I’m done with it. Well, I’m trying hard to be done with it. So when that pops up in my head, I throw it on God. That’s Yours God! You can handle all that for me! Thanks!!
And here’s what happened on Sunday.
I went for 2 mile bike ride with my daughter and it was glorious. We played in the little pool our back after and it was refreshing. We got exercise and sunshine and quality time together… without it being on a to-do list or driven by guilt or a need to do more. And it was wonderful.
Monday was different. I wasn’t as stressed. I was more calm. When a worry popped into my head, I didn’t feel the need to THROW it on God, I actually felt ok just handing it over. Here, God. This one’s for you. It was a mental shift that was recognizable. I loved it. I was less stressed, less anxious, therefore I didn’t feel the need to THROW but just hand it over calmly. It wasn’t something I planned, it just naturally flowed. I thanked God, thanked Him. My prayers yesterday were half handing God over worries and stress and half filled with thankfulness.
I took my daughter to the beach for sunshine and soul food. There were not many people where we went and somehow, God drew an boundary around us that kept us clear from others. We soaked in the sun, sand, and sea and it was good. So good.
Now, lest you think it took two days and now it will be a downhill easy peasy rest of my life, let me tell you about this morning. I know this is going to be an up and down, give and take, learn and grow experience and I’m going to share it all with you!
I woke up this morning not feeling well – fighting a migraine. As I was sitting on the edge of my bed, I was feeling stress and guilt over the fact that I have not been able to get my punkin back on a good sleep schedule. She was active yesterday and still could not settle down at night to sleep at a normal time. She SHOULD have been asleep by 9pm but instead could not settle and was up until after 11pm and I was frustrated. (Did you catch that should-have?)
So I felt that whisper voice of God saying “Why don’t you hand that worry and guilt over to me, too?”
Oh. My. Gosh. Friends. I got mad! I’m shaking my head at myself over how I reacted this morning.
You know how I imagine myself throwing anxieties onto God? Well in this imagery, I threw it alright. I threw it anger and a bit in a temper tantrum like attitude with a “FINE! Seriously!! You want control over every single thing of my life!!! You don’t even want me to try to control when my daughter sleeps to help her sleep well and feel good!!! FINE!!! ARGGHHHH!!!!”
I’m not sure I realized what a control freak I was.
I do like to be in control. It feels safest in control. I am not going to ever intentionally hurt me or my punkin unlike other people in this world have done and may do again.
Throwing all of these worries and cares and anxieties and stresses onto God is releasing control of these things. It’s saying I Trust YOU, GOD to take care of these things so I don’t have to. I give YOU, GOD the control over these things.
It’s not easy peasy.
But it’s something I really, really want to do.
So I did this morning. I threw it. Angrily at first, then apologetically, then just handed it over and said OK.
And God is good. He loves me when I’m angry, when I’m sorry, when I’m stressed, when I’m calm. And He can handle my emotions and He welcomes my honesty and openness.
So if you’re on this journey with me of throwing your anxieties onto God, feel free to be honest with Him along the way. He knows it’s not easy. He’s here to help us and encourage us and reach us and change us. He can handle our highs and our lows and our everythings in between. He loves us. Just as we are.
Happy Tuesday, Friends.