Struggling

It’s 11:30 at night and I’d love to be sleeping but I’m not and I feel the urge and the pull and the prompting to share with you that I am struggling.

I mostly write in the positive aspect. I write advice on how to handle anxiety, to never give up, to keep loving others. I like to write to inspire and encourage and lift up.

But in case you think that I’m just happy, Ms. Positive, always make the right choice and walk on mountaintops, I’m here to show that I struggle.

We are in the midst of COVID-19 Quarantine. I haven’t seen my best friends in almost four weeks. I’ve missed two birthday parties. I missed planned events over Spring Break.

I’m sad. I’m struggling. Ellie the elephant has been pounding on my chest for the last two weeks. I feel like I’m sinking. I struggle with anxiety anyway, having an anxiety disorder, and this is hard.

I feel like no one understands.

Even though, of course, others do. There are lots of people with anxiety disorders or depression. There are lots of people feeling the strain of this quarantine and in much worse ways than I am.

I am blessed. I have many things to be thankful for.

I’m still struggling. I’m still hurting.

I miss my friends. I miss my village. I miss that feeling of belonging. That there is a place that I belong and people that I belong with and that feeling of yes, this is how we do life together.

Because we aren’t right now. Well, except through zoom video. And I am very thankful for that. But it’s not the same.

I’ve realized… No, sorry, God has revealed to me a deep insecurity that I had not put into words before. I struggle with unworthiness and feeling that I am not worthy of being loved. Those I know.

This new one – is the feeling of being left out. Of not belonging. Of not having a place in this world/people that I belong with.

It’s irrational. I know exactly where my village is and that we are all practicing social distancing for a very important reason.

But feelings are not rational.

And this feeling of not belonging, of being left out, goes way back and very deep. It goes to childhood and being left out because I didn’t look like everyone else. It goes to middle and high school and not belonging to any social group. It backs up to my terrible abusive marriage.

I don’t belong. I don’t have a place.

It’s yucky.

And quarantine is magnifying these feelings. In a totally irrational way but the fact that I’m missing those birthdays, those events, just hanging out shouts I’m being left out! I don’t belong!

And I’m being crushed under the feelings of it.

God is reaching out to me though. This has been a little mind blowing. In the midst of these feelings, a coworker asked me to call her because she had a word from God…. for me. She felt God speaking to her soul to deliver a message to me.

The message was this:

You are not alone. I have been with you since childhood. Through adulthood. Through everything you have been through, I have always been with you. I love you very much. You are not alone.

That’s crazy, right? Crazy! I felt a tingling sensation throughout my whole body. I didn’t know what to say or how to respond. Eventually, I thanked her. Thanked her greatly. I was moved.

And then, since then, I’ve been thinking about it.

Are you ready for the yuckiest part of my “confession” today?

I’m not all better.

I’m still struggling. I still miss my friends, my village. I’m still sad.

What does that say about me? I guess that I’m human. When I think about that message from God, when I try to understand, the elephant on my chest jumps higher and harder.

I feel crushed under the weight of not belonging/feeling left out and I feel crushed under the thought that God loves me and wants me to know I am not alone? Both are bringing about crushing anxiety?

It’s confusing.

I want to wrap this up now. I want to end this with a happy little this is how things turned out and here’s some things you can do, too. Tie this post up with a pretty little bow.

But I can’t.

Because the truth is I am sad. I am feeling left out and like I don’t belong. And I’m confused as to how to respond to God’s message.

I’m hurting.

And that is just how it is right now. It won’t always be this way. I know some things I can do that will help, although I haven’t been doing them. In fact, I wrote a post about them here.

So tomorrow, I need to get up and start taking my own advice.

Right now, I’m just going to be sad. It’s OK to be sad sometimes. I would encourage you to find an outlet for your feelings – whether it’s calling a friend, making a tele-health appointment with a counselor, or writing about it.

If you’ve ever been in this place, If you’re struggling too, I’ll leave you with this. I understand. I get it.

It will get better… eventually.

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