I’ve been down for the count with a nasty migraine the past FOUR days. It’s mostly over now and it’s back to work. Here’s the thing with anxiety (if you know me, you know I struggle with anxiety)… it pops up for no reason.
Like, today, for instance. Today I’m getting ready to go back to work, to teach 19 small humans, just like I’ve done every day for the last 16 years. SIXTEEN YEARS. And yet, because I’ve been sick and basically lost a few days to the migraine, right now I’m super anxious about today.
There’s no reason to be anxious. This is what I do, what I’ve done. It’s my job and I’m good at it. But today will be a day that I take things one step at a time. If I look at getting through the entire day today, I get overwhelmed. Listen, I get that it makes no sense. To those of you that don’t have anxiety anyway. To those that do, well you probably get it. Some days are just like this.
I had to force myself out of bed this morning. I had to pray for peace and strength and for a good day and then I had to get myself up and out of bed. I had to sit down and say, ok, now it’s time to meditate. Then… it’s time to write.
There’s an elephant on my chest today, dear old Ellie.
I will get through the day with the tools and strategies I’ve learned.
I will be in the moment, focusing on one thing at a time. I don’t need to think about everything I need to do today, just the thing in front of my right now. So – this blog. Then getting my daughter up. Then getting dressed. I need to be in each moment. Because each moment is just fine. It’s the whole day stressing me out but each little thing – I can handle that. So I have to stay focused on the moment and task in front of me.
I will use I ams today. Most especially the I ams that I don’t feel at the moment. I am strong. I am safe. I am calm. I am peaceful. I am brave. I am OK. I am normal.
I don’t feel normal at this moment. Who gets anxious over doing what they always do – day in and day out? It feels… pitiful. Like people are out there facing real trauma right now and I’m anxious over a normal regular day?
But… that’s not productive. It’s NOT productive to put myself down or compare myself to others. My journey is my own and I’m allowed to accept myself for who I am. I’ve been through trauma which has led to who I am today… someone who at times has trouble facing a normal day. It’s OK.
So… being in the moment, I ams, and one step at a time.
I can hear my best friend saying pray for peace and strength and I can’t help but shrug my shoulders at that. I will pray. I will. But it’s hard for me to think that God will help because I live with this. Isn’t this just what life is like?
If you’re looking for a solid Christian with this blog, I’m afraid you’re not going to find it. Some days I am able to share faithfully and other days I just am not so sure. I doubt and I question.
I know God and I love God and I know He is there. I haven’t quite figured out what it all looks like in my life on a personal level, on a day to day basis.
It’s much easier to pray for the big things than the “small” things like anxiety on a normal regular day. It feels like this is just my life, so why pray about it?
But I will pray. I will pray for peace and strength today.
Can you handle my rambling, friends? Can you handle the fact that for the most part I’m a hot mess? A hot mess that is loving and kind and wants to share and wants to help and wants others to know they are not alone?
Takeaway today: Be in the moment. Be in the moment and savor the moment and take one step at a time. Anxiety or not, that’s good advice for anyone.