Wanted

Dear God,

You say that you love me. I hear it all the time, from friends and in songs, and I’ve learned it throughout my life. I know that you love me, intellectually.

Apparently there is a big gap between what I know with my head and what I feel within me. There is a wall. A big wall that is keeping me from You. Or keeping me from feeling you, believing you, from understanding your love.

I know you are real and true and a part of my life. You have comforted me when nothing else could, you have guided my steps, and I love you. I want to be one who loves God and loves others. Not religious. Not confined to a specific church or doctrine. Just someone who loves God and loves others.

And I believe I am that.

But.

There is a wall between YOUR love and me. A wall that I am sure that I have put up as a defense. A defense because I’ve been hurt and been unloved and been through things in life, people in life who told me I was unlovable.

There is a part of me that says I don’t need your love. Because if I was to open myself up to it and you rejected me, it would be too much. Too much. So I will love you, and you will be with me, but I will not accept your love. I cannot accept a completely non-judgmental, non-condemning, unconditional love. I don’t know what to do with it. So the wall is there to protect me.

Protect me from your love? The one thing I should not need protecting from. Yet, my heart says to keep guard, keep watch, and be cautious. It’s easier not to open up then to open up and be rejected.

You are willing to love all… but not me. I know how ridiculous that sounds, believe me, I do. It’s why I’ve been soul searching to figure out what the problem is.

This wall. I don’t know how to take it down. It’s been protecting me for awhile now and it’s doing it’s job. Pretty well. Most of the time.

Please show me that I’m wanted. Show me that I’m loved. Show me that I do not need this wall, that I do not need to protect myself from You.

Intellectually, I know it. Please help me to know it, though. To feel it, understand it, live in it.

You’ll have to do this for me, Lord, because I don’t know how. I’m scared to do it. I don’t want to do it, even though I want to. You know the contradictions in my heart, you understand this rambling. You know my fears and worries and doubts.

I want to be unconditionally loved. Please show me that I am. Help me to be open and accepting and ready. Please take away the hurts and scars that trauma has left and allow me, help me, to accept You and Your love.

Help me to know that I am wanted.

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