So, remember how last week I lost 9 pounds? I just knew that couldn’t be right, even though I stepped on and off the scale. So the next morning, I checked again and I was up 6. I think the scale may have been uneven or something… How would I have gone down nine then up six in 24 hours? Either way, the loss for last week would have been almost 4 pounds and I’ll settle for that.
But, the real reason we are here is how did I do this week?
So, can I be angry with you?
There are times I really think there is something wrong with my brain. I struggle. Like, really struggle. When life is hard, I turn to food. Always have. And I’ve been round and round with my counselor on this – I’ve heard all the things to do and try… well, maybe not all but a lot. Intellectually, I get it. I know all the things. But I get to the point where I. do. not. care. Cue anger.
October is a hard month… it was my ex-husband’s worst month and therefore the month of the worse abuse. It was the last time my daughter saw him (4 years ago) and she’s been through her share too. There are lingering effects that pop up in October. So… I’m dealing with that and helping my daughter through too. It is so hard to see your kid suffer. Especially in a situation like this.
We handle it. We always get through it. We are strong and brave and we get through what we need to. Sometimes with tears and heartache, but we get through.
So here’s the thing. I think I figured out a thing anyway when talking to a friend last night. I only have the emotional capacity for so much. Helping my punkin through this time, dealing with my own feelings of October, writing about domestic violence, being a single mom, and a teacher of kids with extra needs…. Like that’s it. That’s my limit.
Helping my daughter – non-negotiable. October – can’t help it. It’s here and I gotta get through. Being a great mom and a great teacher are at the top of my list of priorities. So.. food? Well food is the one thing I can say I just don’t care! I don’t have to care! No one can make care! There! It’s like, the safe thing that I can say screw it to! Screw you, food! I’ve got enough stress to handle right now that I’m not gonna handle you too! I don’t have to!
Ok, so it’s a little bit like a temper tantrum, I guess. And I 100% know the only person I’m hurting is myself. I don’t know how to get past this though. I get in these moods and I cannot get myself to care enough to eat healthy. And I think it’s because I’m at capacity.
So here’s my goal. I’ve tried just “fixing it” in the past and I haven’t been successful… yet. In the past, these “moods” have lasted months. Three months, even six months. So my goal is going to be to lessen the length of these I don’t care moods. In any way possible. It has to come within me, no one else is going to be able to help me, but somehow I’m going to work on lessening the length of stay in the place each time.
I’m at 5 days of not tracking right now and I’ll be honest, it’s at least going to be six. It makes me mad to even share this. I don’t want to let you know about how badly I fail at this over and over again.
At the same time, ya’all are holding me accountable. Sharing every Wednesday is the thought in my head that makes me want to do better. It helps me to want to overcome. Although, not today. I’m telling you, I really think there is something wrong with my brain sometimes. But… that’s not a helpful thought so moving on.
I’m really hoping that one day I reach my goal and we can all look back and go what a crazy journey, but you kept going. And then I hope it helps someone else who, like me, isn’t able to just go cold turkey. Who has emotional issues. To see that it is possible. Even if there are high highs and very low lows.
It’s frustrating to share this and I feel the irritation at myself building, despite trying to be positive. So I’m going to end today with some I ams and affirmations.
I am strong. I am brave. I have overcome many things. My health journey does not define me. I am a great Mommy and a wonderful teacher. I have the best friends. I am blessed. Life is good. I am loved. I am worthy.
This week +1.1 Total – 14 lbs