The Binge

Grrrr I don’t want to tell you what I did. I really don’t. Even as I was doing it, I was thinking I’m going to have to tell you next week during my WW Wednesday Check in and here I am this morning feeling compelled to tell you now.

I fell off the wagon.

There, I said it.

I’m really frustrated with myself, to be clear. I’m not proud, I don’t think it’s funny.

So, what happened? Utter crazy exhaustion plus my period starting (yes, I went there) plus a crazy stressful job and I caved. I ate plates of biscuits and gravy at school with bacon and potatoes – darn the meetings I was in when the food was offered… A donut from a kid’s birthday… I drove through Arbys and ate a medium meal with coke (Why???) and even ended the day with a big ol’ bagel topped with butter and cream cheese.

It was delicious… and not. It felt so good… and then not.

I struggle with emotional eating. Exhausted, PMS, overwhelmed… my go to is food. I really don’t know how to not give in. I mean, just don’t right? It’s not that easy for me. I have a counselor I work with, strategies, and it’s just really, really hard. I’m being honest and I don’t like it because it makes me feel weak and pathetic.

But I’m not weak and I’m not pathetic. I know that. I’m strong and have been through enough crap to prove it. This, THIS, binge eating thing is my mountain to conquer. I knew it wasn’t going to be a straight up journey. I was hoping I’d last longer than three weeks.

Here’s the deal though. I have you, friends. By sharing my journey with you, I’m really holding myself accountable. One binge day would normally, easily, turn into two… three… a week… a month… before I got back on track. Ok, even six months have gone by at a time. But not this time. I was going to have to tell you anyways, and I open my computer today, and bam, the words are there to share today.

Because if I share today, then I can force myself to get back on track today. I don’t want to have to come back next Wednesday and tell you I ruined a whole week. So I will get back up today, and track all of my food, and not use bonus points this week because I know I went over them already. It won’t make up for the binge… but at this point, it’s the best I can do. What’s done is done.

If I was talking to myself as a friend, I would say something like “It’s ok. The journey will be filled with ups and downs. It’s never a straight line. You fell down once, get back up. Do not let guilt weigh you down today. Let it go. It happened, but today is a new day and it does not have to linger with you. Move forward, keep going, and don’t give up. Do not let the bad feelings overwhelm you. Do not let negative I ams take over. You are not a failure, you are not pathetic, you are human and you can do this.”

It’s hard! I feel like I’m giving myself an out for a horrible day. It’s so hard to be kind to myself. So hard. It’s so hard to admit that I struggle with something that probably seems so dumb to anyone who doesn’t have food issues.

But that’s ok. Deep breath. Because a lot of people do struggle with food issues and if I’m going to be honest on my journey and real then I’m going to have to share the downs as well as the ups – so that ya’all can relate. Those of you that get it, that have been through it, that are going through it.

Because one day, I am going to reach my goal and then others can look back and see that I wasn’t perfect and I didn’t always get it right but I still made it. And then they will know that they can too.