Today is another day I don’t want to write. I do want to blog but the words that are at the tip of my tongue wanting to come out… the only thing I’ll be able to write about… I don’t want to say.
This weekend I was given a wake up call.
I had a migraine so severe and that lasted so long I ended up in the ER for IV meds. I get migraines every month, but never this bad and never for days at a time.
So what’s the wake up call? I know that PART of the problem is that I am at my heaviest weight ever and I am eating more crap than ever before. Fast Food all the time, chips, cookies, junk… I am seriously on a path of self destruct… and I don’t even know why.
Usually I can point to anxiety, depression, events, stress… but right now my life is pretty good – and yet here I am, trying to slowly kill myself. I’m really angry at myself for it too – which is not productive.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from meditation it’s to notice what is going on, without judgement, let it go, and move on. So this is my attempt at noticing that I am out of control and that I want to do better.
It’s not the first time I’ve wanted to better. (That’s the judgement part coming in.) I’ve failed before. (That’s self doubt.) I don’t think I can do it. I just can’t. (Very negative affirmations and lies. LIES.)
My mind is a roller coaster. So why am I sharing? Heck if I even know. It’s the words that are here, ready to be said, so I’m saying them. I’ve mentioned before I don’t know what I’m going to write until I sit down, pray for guidance and start writing. And then I follow through because someone, if even that someone is only me today, needs to hear it.
Failure once does not mean failure always. Failure multiple times STILL does not mean failure always. Whatever mountain you are facing, I believe that you can climb it. I need to apply that same belief to myself right now. My first thought is, of course YOU can climb it, but not me… but that’s just more lies. We can both do whatever we put our minds to, no matter how hard it seems, how difficult the climb, I believe we can make it.
Maybe not in a straight shot. We may struggle through it. I’m quite sure there will be ups and downs, but shall we start? Shall we begin?
I joined weight watchers and I know that my first step is to cut out drive-throughs. So that’s what I’m starting with. My first steps.
What’s your mountain? And what will be your first step to climb it? I’d love for you to share. Let’s climb together.