What do you see?

I am going to take this post in a totally different direction than you might be thinking based on the photo. I totally believe that how you see yourself is the most important… however, sometimes being given a glimpse into how others see you can actually really help a person out.

I struggle with my self worth. The reason I talk about affirmations and I ams and positive thinking so much? I freakin need it. It isn’t coming from someone with rose colored glasses living the easy life. I struggle. A lot. I have learned to use these tools to grow, glow, and sometimes just to survive.

When I was 27 years old, an abusive, narcissistic sociopath, aka ex-husband, easily picked me out of a crowd because I was an easy target. Low self-worth, afraid to be myself, too timid to speak up and out, feelings of inadequacy, the belief that no man could ever love me… yes, I was an easy target. (For clarity, through divine intervention, supportive friends and family, I left that relationship in 2011.)

I’ve been sitting here, hesitating to finish this post, because it’s not easy. It’s yucky. Do you know that when I sit down to blog, I have no idea what I’m going to write about? I do my meditation and end with prayer and a request for God to give me the topic and words for the day. So, at the moment, I’m feeling like I’m not ready for this. But if it didn’t need to be said, then the words wouldn’t be here.

The core of my struggles with self worth stem from being overweight. It’s the one key point in my life, that for some reason, whispers to me every day, “you are not worthy of love. No one actually likes you. Nobody CAN like you, not when you look like that.”

It’s ridiculous. Stupid. I KNOW it isn’t true. But there it is. The darkness in me that started when I was eight years old-ish. I use my tools to fight it. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am worthy. I am loved. And I do believe those things too. The two sides struggle. I know the truth but fight the lies that try to pull me back into darkness.

Yes, how we see ourselves is everything. What we think about ourselves is vital to our happiness and our ability to love ourselves and others… to live a good life. So, I use the I ams and work to be the person I want to be.

Something very interesting happened this week though. Yesterday I wrote about a student who drew this picture of me and for me.

That’s me, in her eyes. Same clothes, hair, desk, carpet… Do you see it? Apart from the amazing details and artistry, do you see it? I’m not fat in this picture. No, no, please don’t roll your eyes just yet.

It’s just that, I don’t think it would have even occurred to her to draw me as overweight, because I don’t think she even realizes it. She doesn’t see that. When she looks at me, she doesn’t even see it. My daughter? She doesn’t see that either. The other day I was talking about an actress on TV. I was saying how stunning and beautiful she was. My punkin agreed… she was beautiful, just like Mommy. A coworker commented on how pretty I looked in a dress this week too. I smile, and other people smile back. Naturally.

Other humans do not see what I see. It doesn’t matter to them. So maybe, if I tried to see myself as they do, it actually would help me in this case. It doesn’t matter what other people think of us, it really doesn’t. But when I think about the fact that my weight is literally a non-issue in their eyes… why do I make it a mountain in mine? Why is it a colossal volcanic Mount Everest that I cannot overcome when to others, it. is. nothing.

It’s eye opening. Literally my biggest struggle to self worth and self love… and others don’t even see it. It doesn’t matter to them. It’s all in me, only me.

What do you struggle with, my friend? When you look in the mirror, when you think of yourself, what do you see? What struggles do you have that feel monumental but may, in fact, be non-issues to others around you? What do you allow to beat you down that has nothing to do with your worth and value?

No one actually cares if you think your hair is too frizzy, your nose is too big, your hips too wide, your feet too large. No one cares if you are too tall, too short, have funny shaped toes, or a big badonkadonk. No one cares because, well actually, they never even noticed. Those things do not define who you are. They do not dictate your worth and value on this Earth. They don’t matter to anyone but you.

It’s time for me to let this go. My weight does not define me. I am not my weight. I am a beautiful human, full of love, doing my best to make a difference in this world.

Who are you? And what are you willing to let go of today?

Side note: In my case, being overweight is a health issue that needs to be addressed and improved on physically… but I feel it’s time to work on letting go of the emotional handicap it has caused me for so long.